Let the paper pregnancy begin!

Well yesterday was a big day for the Coffey bar. We officially passed in our application to start the adoption process. I guess the term some people use is that they are so many month paper pregnant. Apparently some people think it's offensive but I think it sounds appropriate. I have come to understand that this "gestation period" could be as long and as graceful as a pregnant elephant .

What the heck did we just sign up for!?

So we actually got the application about 3 weeks ago. I had contacted the dcf for information early in November. I then ran home every afternoon to wait to see if our application had arrived. Well the it finally arrived....and holy crap it had scary stuff in it! They are very honest about the mission we are about to embark in. It's all good, but man alive, it has the power to stop superman dead in flight!

The fear became so strong, that I personally found it much more comforting to hide it under a pile of mail. Every few days I would acknowledge the packet was there... But then the fear would creep up again and I would choose to add more mail to the pile...

Finally on thanksgiving morning started to fill out our  application. With each question it asked, the fear started climbing higher and higher. By the time it got to the real serious questions , the application found itself promptly hiding under a pile of mail and me running as fast as I could to the Turkey. 

Well this Sunday we had a pivotal moment. I dragged my sick carcus to church, because I had too many things to do that morning. The service topic was on the infamous story of Abraham and Issac. The age old story of God asking Abraham to do the impossible task of sacrificing his son. 

Yet the part that hit me right between the eyes was this phrase.

So fear was causing me to delay in something I felt  God  has been working In my life since I was a teen.  So at last I went home and WE started working on the application. 

The next morning I sealed her up with a couple of photos of us and I took the walk to the mail box.

There I stood. No exaggeration I stood there for about a minute frozen looking like this...

And with the confidence of a church mouse , I placed the application in the box. Such a tiny act, but so much weight. We did it. We took the very first big step. I know that in reality it's actually going to be a small step in the next year or so process, but for now it seems like a very big deal to me.

So now I sit here as we wait for the next step. 

No different then any other expectant parent , just anxious to see what's next. Partially excited and mostly trying not to pee our pants in the unknown!

And the plot thickens

Today I had another oh so pleasant experience with Dr. Rein.  Today was the joy of a hystograph.
What pray tell is that procedure you ask?

This procedure they have you SCOOCH to the end of an x-ray table.

Then here is the medical explanation of the torture that ensued....I will make edits in a different color to save you the heebie jeebies.....

The first part of the saline sonohysterogram is like the first part of a pap smear, with a lady part speculum gently inserted into no man's land to visualise the carfax. The carfax is then cleansed with antiseptic solution, to decrease the risk of infection. A thin flexible catheter is inserted through the opening of the carfax, so that the catheter lies within the endometrial cavity. Inserting this intrauterine catheter does not usually cause discomfort (lies straight from the pit of hell...). The lady part speculum is then removed, with the catheter remaining inside. 

A small amount of sterile saline ,approximately 10ml, (SMALL!?? last time there was that much liquid, the Lord flooded the earth!) is introduced into the endometrial cavity through the catheter. This saline distends the endometrial cavity, allowing better assessment of the contour and shape of the endometrium.

Then the medical explanation of the pain.....

The level of pain experienced is usually minimal, with most women experiencing either no pain or only mild cramping period-type discomfort during the test.

We suggest that you take 2 naprogesic tablets 30-60 minutes before the procedure, to minimise your discomfort. No anaesthetic is required for this procedure.

HA! ONCE AGAIN LIES ! The nurse even asked before the procedure started if I wanted to hold her hand....why!? Well apparently when they load you with "minimal saline" it actually causes your body to go into major labor..... no literally... Your body does not like to be invaded.... so it tries to kick it all out!  It hurt so bad I wanted to do this with the Dr.

To all you women who CHOOSE to do that labor thing for hours on end and ALSO CHOOSE not to have drugs....

Anywho.....
After all the tests were done the Dr. says he thinks now that I might be a bicornuate rather then just a unicorn! So I am still a magical creature, but with less of a ominous ending. He thinks now that pregnancy might not entirely be off the table.
Still a high risk, but for just for the pregnancy, no longer my life per say.   So i guess that is good news.

It made me think as I was driving home. Even though its looking like there is still a small percentage of the possibility of having biological child, it doesn't stop our trip to head down the adoption path.
 Its actually amazing how many times the topic or theme of adoption has actually come up over the past 3 weeks. I actually talked with a local agency who will be sending us an application this week.
Scary stuff. Exciting stuff.... who knows what God has in plan at all?

Today on Facebook one of my friends shared this post. I don't know who owns this blog . But I loved the truth behind it. I think that everyone should read this post. I once again ask myself, " what are we getting ourselves into!"

the ugly side of adoption

What am I signing up for?

My posts tend to be humor based.... but this one hit me a little closer to the heart.

 I read this post from one of my friends who adopted two years ago through the foster to adopt program.

It simply makes me think....
" what am I getting myself into?"
Yet....it also inflames my heart more to make this a reality.

Dear Mom of an Adopted Child,

I met you in adoption education class. I met you at the agency. I met you at my son’s school. I met you online. I met you on purpose. I met you by accident.

It doesn’t matter. The thing is, I knew you right away. I recognize the fierce determination. The grit. The fight. Because everything about what you have was a decision, and nothing about what you have was easy. You are the kind of woman who Makes.Things.Happen. After all, you made this happen, this family you have.

Maybe you prayed for it. Maybe you had to convince a partner it was the right thing. Maybe you did it alone. Maybe people told you to just be happy with what you had before. Maybe someone told you it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for you to have a child, this child whose hair you now brush lightly from his face. Maybe someone warned you about what happened to their cousin’s neighbor’s friend. Maybe you ignored them.

Maybe you planned for it for years. Maybe an opportunity dropped into your lap. Maybe you depleted your life-savings for it. Maybe it was not your first choice. But maybe it was.

Regardless, I know you. And I see how you hold on so tight. Sometimes too tight. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it?

I know about all those books you read back then. The ones everyone reads about sleep patterns and cloth versus disposable, yes, but the extra ones, too. About dealing with attachment disorders, breast milk banks, babies born addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth. About cognitive delays, language deficiencies. About counseling support services, tax and insurance issues, open adoption pros and cons, legal rights.

I know about the fingerprinting, the background checks, the credit reports, the interviews, the references. I know about the classes, so many classes. I know the frustration of the never-ending paperwork. The hours of going over finances, of having garage sales and bake sales and whatever-it-takes sales to raise money to afford it all.

I know how you never lost sight of what you wanted.

I know about the match call, the soaring of everything inside you to cloud-height, even higher. And then the tucking of that away because, well, these things fall through, you know.

Maybe you told your mother, a few close friends. Maybe you shouted it to the world. Maybe you allowed yourself to decorate a baby’s room, buy a car seat. Maybe you bought a soft blanket, just that one blanket, and held it to your cheek every night.

I know about your home visits. I know about your knuckles, cracked and bleeding, from cleaning every square inch of your home the night before. I know about you burning the coffee cake and trying to fix your mascara before the social worker rang the doorbell.

And I know about the followup visits, when you hadn’t slept in three weeks because the baby had colic. I know how you wanted so badly to show that you had it all together, even though you were back to working more-than-full-time, maybe without maternity leave, without the family and casseroles and welcome-home balloons and plants.

And I’ve seen you in foreign countries, strange lands, staying in dirty hotels, taking weeks away from work, struggling to understand what’s being promised and what’s not. Struggling to offer your love to a little one who is unsettled and afraid. Waiting, wishing, greeting, loving, flying, nesting, coming home.

I’ve seen you down the street at the hospital when a baby was born, trying to figure out where you belong in the scene that’s emerging. I’ve seen your face as you hear a nurse whisper to the birthmother that she doesn’t have to go through with this. I’ve seen you trying so hard to give this birthmother all of your respect and patience and compassion in those moments—while you bite your lip and close your eyes, not knowing if she will change her mind, if this has all been a dream coming to an abrupt end in a sterile environment. Not knowing if this is your time. Not knowing so much.

I’ve seen you look down into a newborn infant’s eyes, wondering if he’s really yours, wondering if you can quiet your mind and good sense long enough to give yourself over completely.

And then, to have the child in your arms, at home, that first night. His little fingers curled around yours. His warm heart beating against yours.

I know that bliss. The perfect, guarded, hopeful bliss.

I also know about you on adoption day. The nerves that morning, the judge, the formality, the relief, the joy. The letting out of a breath maybe you didn’t even know you were holding for months. Months.

I’ve seen you meet your child’s birthparents and grandparents weeks or years down the road. I’ve seen you share your child with strangers who have his nose, his smile … people who love him because he’s one of them. I’ve seen you hold him in the evenings after those visits, when he’s shaken and confused and really just wants a stuffed animal and to rest his head on your shoulder.

I’ve seen you worry when your child brings home a family tree project from school. Or a request to bring in photos of him and his dad, so that the class can compare traits that are passed down, like blue eyes or square chins. I know you worry, because you can protect your child from a lot of things — but you can’t protect him from being different in a world so intent on celebrating sameness.

I’ve seen you at the doctor’s office, filling out medical histories, leaving blanks, question marks, hoping the little blanks don’t turn into big problems later on.

I’ve seen you answer all of the tough questions, the questions that have to do with why, and love, and how much, and where, and who, and how come, mama? How come?

I’ve seen you wonder how you’ll react the first time you hear the dreaded, “You’re not my real mom.” And I’ve seen you smile softly in the face of that question, remaining calm and loving, until you lock yourself in the bathroom and muffle your soft cries with the sound of the shower.

I’ve seen you cringe just a little when someone says your child is lucky to have you. Because you know with all your being it is the other way around.

But most of all, I want you to know that I’ve seen you look into your child’s eyes. And while you will never see a reflection of your own eyes there, you see something that’s just as powerful: A reflection of your complete and unstoppable love for this person who grew in the midst of your tears and laughter, and who, if torn from you, would be like losing yourself.
--Kathy Lynn Harris

I am a unicorn!

So this post might get a little more personal then some might want to read. A good portion of my blog is going to be for me to process through the hilarious story known as my life.
 I give fair warning to those who might happen to read. This post is not for the faint of heart and most certainly not for those who get squeamish over things like the word Uterus. I will try to spin it on the light side of life if possible.

SO if you ready to dive into my life and reality and also the humorous side of my life then read on. 


  I have never had a regular way of life.... as its should go for the ladies. I have had every test under the sun . From spitting into a plastic vile for a week to being so violated by an ultrasound tech I swear the light came out my nostrils!  This past summer  the lady plumbing has not been up to par ( and that's saying something since I typically golf a +50). To put it bluntly for a greater part of my summer and early fall this was me....

Well, after a million more tests, a couple of bad run- ins with CVS and  more quality time on the table when the Dr asks you to "SCOOCH!"  we finally have a verdict! Apparently I am a unicorn!
No really! The diagnosis is that I have a unicornuate uterus. If you are like me, you are thinking " I'm sorry you have a magical creature in your womb!?"
Apparently magic does exist in a very small percentage of women. So here is a link to better understand my magical lady parts.
Katy's Magical Uterus!

What makes the plot even more clear as chocolate pudding is apparently my MRI thinks that I might not have two Kidneys! Hmmmm one would think you would figure that out before you are 30?
But alas missing a kidney tends to hold hands with being a unicorn!
Unicorns have one horn so clearly that means one kidney too!
The verdict is still out about the missing kidney. Next week after Aunt Flo comes to visit , I will once again tango with the ultra sound tech.

So what does this all mean? Not sure yet. But it does answer a lot of questions of why my development is always been off. It does help to understand why I am not a fertile Myrtle like many women my age. And most important it helps me understand why adoption has been such a passion in my heart since I was a teenager.

There are lot of questions to be asked and many answers to discover. 2015 should be an interesting adventure ahead of us as Dan and I investigate the process of adoption and maybe even flirt with the idea of fostering in the state. I promise there will be many more posts on that, as this story develops.

For now I leave you with this, and pray is sticks in your head for at least 24 hours :)

The Devil is Scared!!!! I am a Threat!

If given the opportunity I could speak for hours about our experience in Kenya.

 I would gush over the stories of working with the Orphans and my love for little Abigail.

I could talk about how much I admire the lessons learned from our Fundi Richard or laugh retelling the story of how the some of the men told me I was brilliantly strong and It’s a shame I was married, as I would be worth Many Cows!

But one of the greatest lessons I learned from Kenya, didn’t really start to settle in , until our arrival home.

Before I share, let’s take a quick look back to an evening tradition for our trip. Every night after dinner, and once the dishes were done, Team Amani would settle into the living room and share a devo and debrief. Each night one of the members would lead a devotion and then guide a discussion about that day and how the trip was going as a whole.

During the month of September, a number of women’s from our church attended a woman’s retreat. That weekend the theme was fearless. We dove into the life of Peter, and watched how all his failures in life, continued to carve his character and develop him into a man that the church would be founded on. Following the retreat I had felt rather strong about wanting to learn more about who Peter was, and what he had to say later in his letters to the early church. Little did I know this would be very applicable to my time in Kenya.

If you wouldn’t mind opening your Bibles with me to the book of 1^st Peter chapter 5: 1-11.

To the Elders and the Flock

5 To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder and a witness of Christ’s sufferings who also will share in the glory to be revealed: 2 Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; 3 not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. 4 And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.

5 In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,

“God opposes the proud

    but shows favor to the humble.”[a]

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

This section of scripture was the focus of my devotion one evening. We had talked about how humbling this trip has been for many of us. We spoke of how though we might suffer a little as Christion’s, our rewards in heaven were far greater. But the Key verse I focused on was

 Verse 8- 9.

8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

For many years as a teen I worked for a Christian summer camp. Working on the front lines on ministry you learn first-hand about spiritual warfare and attacks that often hit your ministry. Well during my time there, one of our speakers told us something pretty amazing about this passage that has always stuck with me. Did you know that when a Lion prowls around roaring, that it is actually a sign that he is scared. When Male Lions feel there is a threat to his territory and his Pride, he walks around his Land roaring, to make himself seem bigger then he actually is. This is to try to scare off any threats on his territory.

So the Devil walks around roaring like a lion. Why? Because he is scared of the good work that is being done by the ultimate power!  So as we learned in camp, when everything seems to be going wrong and you feel like giving up, its often at that point we would remember, “the Devil is scared! I am a threat! SOMETHING AMAZING IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN!”  Sure enough within 24 hours of it all hitting the fan, a camper would come to Christ, someone would rededicate their life or something amazing for the Kingdom of God would shine through.

Praise God for roaring lions!

What does this have to do with my trip back home? Well as you can imagine we all had many stories we were excited to share with our friends and family. We had spent the past 11 months prepping for this trip and were so excited to come home and share with co- workers about what Christ had done!

Well , while sitting in the Kenya air port I checked my email for the first time. I had an interesting email from the COO and my Executive director to give them a call before I returned to work on Monday. Well to make a long story short, while I was gone, the Ebola virus became a hot button topic in the states as you well know. Due to the media and inflation of fear, Our Trip to Kenya became a discussion topic at not one but 3 of our branches that I work for. There was this great fear passing along from our customers that I would be unsafe to return to work.  It became so bad, that one person called up our CEO demanding the names of all the people who traveled with me, so that he could call up their companies and demand that we all be quarantined for Ebloa.

Sadly my company was stuck between a rock and painful hard place. The only option they has was to ask that I work from home over the next 21 days, to make sure that I would not be harmful to the 16,000 customers that come to our buildings.  I was labeled as a threat, and honestly started feeling very Dirty. What was silly about all of this was we were over 3,500 miles away from the nearest country that had this Virus. To put it bluntly, I had to cancel my trip to Disney world, because there were reports of someone being sick in Alaska.

As you can imagine, my spirits were crushed. I was angry for being punished, for other people’s lack of 4^th grade geography. As my brother put it, I wanted to walk around smacking people with an atlas to knock some sense back in them.

That night I got some sleep, cleared my head and took some time to breathe with God.
Its then when I heard it. Did you miss it?
If you listen…. You might hear it…. It’s a roar in the distance.

“the devil is scared! We are a threat! Something amazing is about to happen!!!!”

You know when you look at life with that perspective, everything becomes exciting.
God did amazing things while we were in Kenya. And the Devil doesn’t want us to share our stories.
Well tough luck, My God is bigger than any media frenzy!

So my goal for the next 21 days? Share our story as much as possible. Spread the good news that God is alive in our Country and across the world. Continue to focus on the identity that God has created me to be which is a child of the King. I also plan to use this time to educate people about Africa and how big it really is!

As I close I want to go back to the Sermon the Caleb preached on right before our team left.
In a world full of Unknown viruses, school shootings, terrorist attacks and war, we have to admit that we live in a scary place. But fear can be one of our greatest enemies.  We cannot allow fear to dictate our lives and paralyze us from going out and spreading the good news. At all times I pray that we remember..

Philippians 4:6-7New International Version (NIV)

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Kenduiwo children's home

The Bible talks about our responsibility to take care of the Orphans, Widows and the poor over a 100 times throughout the old and New Testament.  During our 16 days in Kenya we would see first-hand why this commandment is so important, and be inspired by a community that actually did something with it.  The Kenduiwo Children’s home was formally founded in 2004, by land that was donated to a cause. Over the past 10 years, this home has become a city on a hill to the remainder of the community. Through its growth, the home has helped develop a need for a community and helped foster the growth of a local church.

Pastor David and his Family are the founders and the back bone of this children’s home.  Pastor David is not only a pastor to MANY surrounding churches, but he is also the head master of a local school as well as the Director of the Children’s Home. Much of our work that we did was in direct partnership with him.   Currently there are 52 children who call this orphanage their home.
I was encourage to see that life at the Orphanage in many ways is a step above life in many of the surrounding homes.  The children eat roughly 2 meals a day of farm grown fresh food, which is more than the average child in this community. Children are bathed, clothed and sleep in a dorm style living arrangement. The older children and teens, take very special care of the younger children in the home. They would also have basic Bible studies with all the children.  When they are home from school, all the children are taught farming on their land, and are expected to keep with daily chores. This is very important to the development of the kids, so that once they graduate from high school and need to leave the Children’s home, it’s a priority that they are trained in a skill that will provide a way of living. The interesting thing about Kenya is that the word Adoption is a very tricky subject. To the Kipsoghese tribe, Adoptions is more or less just another form of selling children. To the Tribe, selling children is not something that is encouraged.  So these children’s homes are essential to the local villages, so that when children are in abusive homes or have been orphaned, there is a way of life available to them.

Now let’s just put it bluntly. Over the past 3 weeks, a certain group of Americans left a good chunk of their hearts in an orphanage on the side of the mountain in Kenya.
It was impossible not to fall in love with these children. Every afternoon the children from the home would walk back from school and just admire all of us hairy white folk!  Some would join us in construction, some would play with our hair and others would just sit and stare….  Roughly around 4:00pm a group of us would march up the hill and teach Bible stories and sing songs with the younger children. With the Help of Judy and Vivian the social workers, they would help translate the words we were saying to focus on the stories of the Bible and sing praises to Jesus. Some of the songs we sang were in English, others we learned in both Kipsogese and Swahili!

It would often bring instant tears to my eyes, when the kids heard a song they knew and sing at the top of their lungs! We would also swallow a chuckle as their accents often sounded like children from Boston.  My favorite line would be “ Ebaneezah what a wonda you ahhhh!”

Yet at the end of the week, we had to say good bye. There wasn’t a dry eye leaving the mountain. Though we often joked about how many children we could take home in our suit case, reality did set in that the answer would be 0.  I know my biggest struggle was I had to leave and I actually had to Trust that God would take care of these beautiful children.  Trusting God in His timing, not my own …. Is not an easy lesson to learn.  Yet, I must take encouragement knowing that God knit every child together before they were born. These beautiful children of God, have always been His. He has a plan and he has more love then any group of Americans could ever offer these little ones.

We ask that you pray for the Kenduiwo Chidlren’s Home.  Pray that their partnership with the missionaries at Tenwek mission’s hospital remains strong. Pray for the Pastor David and His Wife Sarah. That God will continue to guide them, as they serve their life with the children’s home.
And to those who helped donate back packs! We are excited to announce we brought over 100 bags with us! They were given to Amy Bemm one of the missionaries at Tenwek. She will be giving the children each a bag this year for Christmas. We promise once they are handed out, we will show you a picture of the children with the bags. 

Below is my personal reflection from the day we left the Orphanage...


Today was a completely different day for our team. We loaded the cars and made the 45 minute drive up the hills to the orphanage. We worshiped at the hill of Hope church which was located in the common room of the orphanage. We were treated as guests of honor and participated in a traditional kipsigis/Kenyan service. In short it was one long sing along. What a blessing it was to worship with the people who sweat along with us all week long. Our own Paul gave the word which was translated by pastor Amos. They ended the service with a thank you ceremony for us and all the work and the medical clinic that our team helped with this week.
Following lunch we had a chance to visit the rest of the orphanage. The kids zoned right in on us. As we toured their dorms and living areas, the kids grabbed our hands, leaned in for hugs and were craving affection. We had a small ceremony to end our time with the kids. The younger kids each claimed their own "favorite" mzungu (white person). For some reason, when I sat down, I was not claimed. I sat alone and watched the kids each being presented. Then little Abigail who was on Lindsey's lap, turned around and made direct eye contact with me, and beelined to my lap. (Insert water works here) saying goodbye to these children might have been the hardest thing of the trip. There wasn't a dry eye on any of us.
For all the good work that was done here, we still leave more broken then when we arrived. Yet through these times we are reminded that God is sovereign . We have to trust that God is in control and as always will provide for HIS children.
Please be in prayer for the Kenduiwo children's home. Great things are happening !

A whole new world!

I welcome myself to a whole new world. Blogging. The question will ultimately be, will this turn out to be a one week thing, so something that sticks!?

So why did I start a blog? Well over the past few months a lot has changed in my life. I have a new job, then received a promotion from that job! I have had crazy medical issues arrive, tested, diagnosed and then re-diagnosed after further testing. I have been to Kenya and back again, only to be accused of ebloa and quarantined for 21 days! And lastly Dan and I are starting steps in a new adventure as we talk about the idea of adoption.

I have been feeling that with so much going on in my life, that Journaling or blogging might help me think and process through much that God is Doing in our lives.

Some days I might back post a few thoughts that have come up.
My guess is there will be no real rhyme or reason to the posts. 

So there it is. Nothing earth shattering, but an outlet to process my adventures!

Thanks  for reading!