I married my best friend !

When I was a young teenager , my Dad told me something that stuck with me till this day. he said, " Katy  make sure that whoever you marry is your best friend. Love and sex will only get you so far in marriage, but a when you marry your best friend , your adventures will last a life time." 

Over the years of dating, Dan quickly became one of my best friends. We throughly enjoy spending time together,but  absolutely love going on adventures with one another. I remember the moment I fell in love with Dan was during a highly hysterical ski/snowboarding adventure that to this day will still make me chuckle.

As you all know, Dan and I have been working through the Epic adventure of getting ready for this roller coaster of life known as adoption. Well something happened in our MAPP training last night that had me fall in love with Dan all over again. I think these moments are very important to write down to look back on. Marriage can be often associated to Dancing on a Minefield. You need to make note of the great times, so when you step on a bad time, you have the times God allowed for laughing to ground you. 

Ps- I also note I have permission to share this story.

Tonight during training we were diving into the actions these children do to depict their emotions. Hoarding food for control, bed wetting due to fear, and epic temper tantrums due to the inability to express their feeling. I am enjoying these trainings very much as they are giving you a ton to digest and think about.  Near the end of class the instructors had chosen about ten of us to role play an actual case in the system. I was playing a 7yr old girl with a single mother who was pregnant with number 2 but addicted to an abusive substance. Standing next to me was my foster family ,who we were analyzing how they may feel  due to the fact that I might be rewarded to go home to mom. 

A question popped up that sparked up a conversation about the foster family rights.

What was discussed was that Foster families have to respect all the wishes of the family. We are not allowed to cut the child's hair, peirce ears or do anything that might alter the visual life style of this child. If we have to bring them to the ER WE MUST talk with our case worker and we also have no rights to sign off on Anastesia or any major medical issue.

Suddenly I notice my husband, who is sitting in the way back of the room pop his hand up to ask a question!  Now if you know my husband, you can imagine how shocked I am. Dan is a silent , but an active participant.  When he is in groups, he listens very intently and processes through a lot but you will never hear a peep out of him, unless forced to introduce himself.

On the way home he will have much to say about the group  , but NEVER will openly talk in a group setting.  The question he asked was a very good question. The trainers had some good discussion about his topic after, but once If you know  what he asked and if you know Dan you will chuckle along with me:)

I try not to show any emotion, but I am bursting with excitement to hear what thought has triggered Dan to ask a question , as we are talking about such a heavy topic....

His question, with a very serious look on his face: "So while we are still in the fostering process are we allowed to enroll kids in Sports like football? Or do parents have the right to tell us no to contact sports!?"

................... It took EVERYTHING in me not to burst out laughing and say,  "oh my goodness Dan I love you so much!"

I am cracking up right now even as I write this story. 

The priorities in life....FOOTBALL!

Weekly we debrief about all these huge things we might face with a foster child in our home, and Dan is a solid rock, and not fazed at all, that this is still the right choice for us . Kids are kids, they need discipline, routine and love and we can do that. No fear at all, he just wants to be a dad.

PUT FOOTBALL RIGHTS ON THE LINE, AND YOU HAVE A WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY!

Well the good news ladies and gentlemen, we have all the rights of the world to enroll our little foster kiddos in as many sports as we and they would like ! :-)

So all is right in the world with the Coffey family again. 

I might have laughed for the full 45 minute drive home from Lawrence.

I honestly can tell you , I fell in love with Him all over again last night.

God gave me a solid rock to help ground me when I am flighty and let my red hair emotions get the best of me. I push him to be the best man God has created to be. And he will always keep me laughing till the nest is empty again and we get to go back to just the two of us on hysterical adventures.

I married my best friend.

To remind myself later

We have started taking MAPP Training in Lawrence . The class is getting us ready to become foster/adoptive parents!

Yet it's scary as all Hell. And I mean it, these kids have gone through Hell and back again.

I have started  following a couple blogs and facebook pages to make sure this is always on my mind and heart. To help remember the  end goal.

 This morning while I lay wide awake at 4:00am (can't sleep at all!) I read a post from the facebook page , together we rise!

A soon to be foster family

Asked the simple question about learning how to discipline a child who has gone through so much trauma.  There were tons of posts on it, but one stood out to me that I wanted to remember her words as I reflect and look back once we start.

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As a foster child for the first 12 years of my life, and a story that would make one heck of a book - she's said it well. My advice is to embrace it and keep expectations minimal when going into caring for a high risk trauma child. Be patient and understanding but don't parent in or out of fear. Please be sure to make the child feel comfortable in the aspects of being a part of your family at their own pace. If they call you ms. Kristie or mom let them build it to their liking and do your best to not introduce them as your Foster children. I vividly remembered feel out of place and second best. So much so much so they would take one picture with their "family" then a separate one with  "us" in SEVERAL foster homes. It really is the little things that make the most impact - remember that,  be equal always. 

I think you'll love it and be able to get a lot of gratification from it. Everything you will do will leave a lasting impact as they are going thru trauma of being ripped from their family and all they know and love. With that, you'll be able to make huge impressions on that child for life if they are 5+. You're going to love it, regret it, question your self, pat yourself on the back and wonder how much you can take, laugh, cry, scream why, and fall in love with each child ........ all the time. Keep your end goal in mind while remembering we are scarred, scared, untrusting, lost, and begging for someone to provide us some soft place to fall. Someone to love us and invest time in us and our ideas/thought/feelings. We need stability boundaries rules and direction MORE SO then children who haven't experienced trauma not less

Please empathize with us but don't overcompensate or feel bad for us as it does not do any justice to the cause. Don't parent out of fear or expect anything less from us,  do as you would any other child. If not This is only helping us not progress and use the crutch all the while causing a visible resentment with any biological kids.   We are broken but not damaged beyond repair. We can do chores and accept natural consequences for bad choices too. In fact we want to do precisely that! We are resilient! It will serve us better in life too! Embrace them and their family .... flaws  & all:  with positivity. Stay the course and be the only constant in their life, they will thank you as an adult too. I can't thank 7 out of 14 different foster homes enough for the impact they had on me! The others well - that's another story for a different book. I know I jumped around here but I hope it's explained well enough, bless your family and such for being willing to step up to the challenge, you truly are angels in disquise! -Tami Franz @Kristie B.